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Tourist Guide to the 26 Counties of the Republic
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Traveller Wedding
Slums of Dublin by Tony Weldon
a collection of anecdotal short stories

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© gerry coughlan 1997 - 2012

Everyday English and Slang in Ireland

Tourist Guide to the 26 Counties of the Republic

Cavan: filthy, ignorant hillbillies, puritanical papists.
Hobbies: discovering IRA ammo dumps and knitting black balaclavas.

Kerry: stupid but loveable.
Hobbies: Gaelic football, scraping pig foetus off their wellies and chain-smoking.

Wicklow North: sports car driving country snobs (Greystones, Enniskerry)
Hobbies: Sticking their noses in the air and referring to themselves as "one".

Wicklow South: sheep shaggers.
Hobbies: Sitting in field with their neighbours and talking about the"banjaxed hydraulics on the JCB", collecting the dole.

Dublin North: criminals, drug dealers and factory workers, easy women, unmarried mothers, skinheads and all-round examples of human waste.
Hobbies: Heroin and watching serial numbers being filed off stolen BMW's, Doing hand-breakers.

Dublin South: west Brits, snobs, rich, easy glamorous women.
Hobbies: colonic irrigation and sleeping with their best friend's spouse.

Limerick: violent, racist scum of the earth, knife-wielding prostitutes.
Hobbies: play rugby while stabbing each other with screwdrivers and then complaining about their city's bad reputation.

Donegal: look down on all-others, aloof.
Hobbies: Turning their noses up at all and sundry

Cork: jealous of Dubliners, highly-sexualized women.
Hobbies: Standing at the side of the Motorway and making smug faces at the cars with Dublin plates.

Tipperary: beautiful pristine girls, hard to get into bed but worth it if you can because that County does not have two different Ridings for nothing!
Hobbies: Getting a flat in Dublin and losing their accents and hoping their parents don't find out.

Meath: Dublin wannabes.
Hobbies: Beating Dublin at GAA and hoping that one day somebody in Dublin will actually notice.

Galway: sophisticated boggers could be mistaken for a South Dubliner, sexually adventurous, cultured and wealthy. Hobbies: Teaching sex acrobatics to foreign tourists, dropping acid, paying a million pounds for a three bedroom suburban house and pretending it was a bargain.

Kildare: alcoholics.
Hobbies: Waking up in barns with a bottle on one side and hatchet-faced Biddy on the other.

Mayo: Depressing, defeatist, negative, misery-laden losers, emigrate as soon as the umbilical cord is cut.
Hobbies: Dropping a lighted cigarette on his mattress and then being burned alive in a Cricklewood boarding house so he can have his remains flown back to Knock Airport for burial.

Louth: IRA supporters, smugglers and bandits, beautiful girls (Dundalk).
Hobbies: Tearing through Cooley at 125MPH trying to stop the boxes of cheap vodka from falling out the window.

Waterford: decent honest hard-workers generally good folks.
Hobbies: Calling a strike.

Clare: fiddle-playing charming simpletons and, more recently, neo-nazis.
Hobbies: Falling into pot-holes and being never heard from ever again.

Sligo: go-getters, strong sense of free enterprise, likes to make cash.
Hobbies: get rich and b*llix to everything else.

Kilkenny: harmless innocent alcoholics.
Hobbies: Sending their only son to fashion college in Dublin and then wondering why he never brings girls home and why he is always looking in The Brown Thomas catalogue?

Carlow: who cares?
Hobbies: Move to Dublin and then best forgotten about.

Offaly: mad for playing sports and having fun, generally liked.
Hobbies: To win a pub.

Leitrim: Enigmatic reclusive weirdos.
Hobbies: Being absorbed into surrounding counties, quietly.

Longford: Gombeen men.
Hobbies: Legalizing bestiality.

Laois: the real boggers and proud of it generally held in high esteem by Dubliners.
Hobbies: Living an honest life, collecting EU development grants.

Westmeath: Mysterious boggers, cryptic.
Hobbies: Trying, unsuccessfully, to get noticed.

Wexford: selling their "home-grown" organic fruit (bought at supermarket that morning) at the side of the road in summer and ripping-off gullible Dubliners out for a drive in the country.
Hobbies: Ripping off tourists is more than enough.

Roscommon and Monaghan are missing, but sure did anyone notice

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